Communication Isn’t Just Talking
I’ve taken communication for granted all this while, because it’s so natural, so intuitive, so easy. We communicate in words and actions, even facial expressions, and that’s how we’ve lived our lives with family and friends.
When I got into a relationship almost four years back, I began hearing even more advice about communication. ‘Talk to your partner’, they said. ‘Communicate your needs, wants, feelings.’
As someone who hardly gets into conflict with others, I didn’t see why communication would be harder or any different in a romantic relationship. But it is, a little.
It took me many months to realize that I’ve been communicating to my partner in a less than ideal way, because beyond just opening our mouths to speak and express ourselves, communicating requires skill, tact and understanding. It requires patience as well. And what I learnt from it over the years, I’ve come to realize are transferable to other relationships in my life.
My greatest takeaway is that communication as just as much to do with listening, as it has to do with talking. Earlier on, my friends had encouraged me to talk to my partner about my feelings whenever any misunderstanding or slight unhappiness arose. I heeded their advice. I became more open and expressive with any disappointment or hurt that I was experiencing, but sometimes I felt like, nothing really changed much as time went by.
I wondered if that was the end, because ‘communication is key’ and I’d already communicated it, what else could I do?
Wrong.
I hadn’t.
Communication is only done right when the information is received the way I meant to convey it.
Most of the time, what really happens is that we talk things out, but these things don’t necessarily reach the other person as they are supposed to. Sometimes, the message is left suspended in mid-air, in the space between us – already expressed but left undiscussed. Other times, it reaches the other party, but the understanding is incomplete or incongruous with ours. Either way, it would mean that however much talking is done, as people would emphasize its importance, there will remain a gap in the communication.
What then?
If ‘communication is key’, how do we get it right?
It may feel a little unnatural, but it helps to end off the monologue and start off the conversation with the question, “You know what I’m saying?” – not in a rude way of course, but in a genuine, sincere way.
Firstly and most importantly, this helps to ensure that both (or all) people are on the same page. When we communicate, we sometimes downplay or exaggerate our experiences and emotions without realizing it, or convey vague messages due to incoherence. As such, it would be helpful to first check that what the other party hears is what we are actually trying to say, and what we actually mean deep down.
This is also a good time to iron out the misunderstandings. Oftentimes, the why behind the talk is not conveyed as it should. I might want to just vent my frustration about an obstacle I encountered, but the response I get is solution-based rather than (emotional) support-based. This might make me (or anyone in my position) feel as if my distress is invalidated, since I want my emotions to be heard and understood, more than I want the obstacle to be our talking point, as if we are working towards a solution as business partners. Or, my partner might be telling me something about our relationship that he isn’t quite so happy with at the moment. Rather than asking him what I could do to improve things for him and for us – which would be what brings him comfort and what makes him feel heard – I might end up thinking that he’s just venting, and then leave things at that.
Both cases are common, and both cases end up with built frustrations over time because our needs and wants are not met even after we think we’ve communicated them. In the second scenario especially, friends, family and in particular romantic couples tend not to realize that the other party usually expresses discomfort and unhappiness in the hopes that we could do our part to change and improve things for and with them. Most of the time, we think our job in communication is done just by a. expressing our thoughts and emotions, or b. sitting through the other party’s talk and hearing them out.
Wrong again.
Communication requires internalization of the message on the part of the listener, and the appropriate response thereafter. What constitutes ‘appropriate’, however, differs from person to person. And we can learn more about others’ needs, wants and communication styles and pick these up through sincerity and effort.
Here is what it may look like.
We should not underestimate – much less undermine – someone’s feelings if they’ve already made it plain and clear. Empathy 101: don’t assume the worst of them. If we care about someone enough, it would always help to give them the benefit of doubt. Don’t be skeptical about what they’re saying; instead, listen to help rather than listen to place our own value judgement on whether their feelings and reactions are ‘valid’ for a given situation. If need be, we must consciously brush off the ‘you’re overreacting’ judgement in our heads, so that we will listen to the rest of their piece with an open heart.
If we are currently talking about their difficulties and it involves us, don’t get defensive or shift the focus to ours in response. In other words, don’t steal the ‘limelight’. It isn’t uncommon for one party to start off saying ‘I feel upset when you do this’, and the other party to get defensive immediately, perhaps going, ‘But I feel upset too when you do this other thing’. That isn’t the point. We need to first acknowledge someone else’s perspective, position and the difficulties that come with them, even if that means admitting our flaws. Getting defensive and not wanting to talk more about what we can do better is sending a very strong signal that we’re not willing to communicate on this issue, and that we aren’t interested in doing our part to improve things for the other person. If there’s anything we need to remember, it’s that talking about our inadequacies together is supposed to help us be better for each other.
Just as how we mentioned ending the monologue and starting the discussion with a simple ‘you know what I’m saying?’, this could also be a useful tool for the rest of the discussion and communication. Constantly checking in with each other about what we mean, what we think the other means, and what we are striving towards in this conversation ensures that nobody is misunderstood or feels ‘personally attacked’ when nothing of the sort is intended.
I used to feel attacked and hurt when my partner mentioned something about me casually that I was terrible at (cooking!) He felt that we were able to talk about it because he accepted me and my incompetence at it, but it might be better in the farther future if I could improve on it, which I intended to anyway. But I often took it the wrong way and felt like I shouldn’t have to be made to feel bad for it – it wasn’t even his intention! Which brings me to this point – it is only when we actively bounce off each other, rather than let the words remain still and stale in the space between us or shield them out, can we effectively communicate.
The barrier to effective communication – between romantic couples especially – is perhaps the (very) high expectations each holds the other to, that we often don’t really see between friends and family. Possibly the largest pitfall would be that we expect our partners to know exactly what we want and what we mean through some work of chemistry or telepathy (so we often don’t take the necessary step to ensure we’re on the same page). This can never be taken for granted, because every individual experiences the same situation differently, and also because sometimes we can’t even be sure and clear of our own thoughts and emotions, much less others.
More often than not, we also expect our partners (as well as friends and family) to pardon us for all that we aren’t perfect or even good in, or to hold us to never-changing standards and accept us as we always have been and will be. Sometimes we think, if what I’ve been doing was acceptable when we first got together, why is it not acceptable now? Why was it alright back then that I couldn’t do the laundry, why isn’t it now? Or why were simple dates over a stroll and a meal romantic back then, but seen as a lack of effort now? Well, people change, circumstances change, and the relationship would have changed and strengthened as well. This leads to changing expectations and ideals, which could also be contributed by the different life stages we are at as we mature together over time. And that is alright, as long as we are clear about them, as long as we are on the same page.
The above I’ve written, I’ve written with some of the mistakes I’ve made in mind. I have taken many steps back to reflect on and to evaluate my experiences before coming to realize just how easy yet difficult it can be to communicate the right way.
Even with all these common pitfalls, what matters most is being conscious, considerate and empathetic during the course of communication. It might not seem natural or intuitive at first, but as we get comfortable with checking in rather than assuming, sitting with our flaws rather than defending ourselves, listening and ensuring the other party is doing the same rather than just talking and leaving things out, we will eventually find our very own unique key to communication. It might look different to everyone, but it will feel right when it is.
