Grief and Moving On

How liberating it is to face my anger.

So it’s been ten months now and I’ve finally arrived at the fifth and final stage of grief. I think I’ll be here for a long while cause I’m still not in the thick of it yet, but what’s the rush anyway, right?

It really has been the longest and most unpleasant rollercoaster ride, and on this ride I sat through the same loopy thoughts, same lifting hopes, same crashing emotions, and all the nausea that came with facing the worst parts of me. I have been blessed with the most patient people, those who have cried for me, got angry for me and those who chose not to get emotional with me, only for the better. And even so I am aware that I have tired the people around me and burdened them with the same old troubles, and that this has to come to an end for us all. I cannot decide if I am more grateful or sorry, but I think they are two sides of the same coin.

All this time I have tried to convince myself that I wasn’t angry at this. I always feel like there’s more to anger, there must be something like disappointment or hurt or devastation that is much easier expressed and understood as anger. I guess a part of me also felt like because I’ve told myself time and again that this is no one’s fault — who is to blame for misalignments? — there is no valid reason for me to even get angry. But maybe it’s about time I admitted it. I’m not angry now, but I was before. I definitely did have to sit with my anger at some point.

And so what if I was angry? Was it not possible that I understood but was still resentful, that I knew this was the outcome we needed but still wanted something else? It was a phase that might have been easier to get through if I had just said it as it was. Instead I was constantly finding reasons to avoid anger like it was a curse.

But I am free now. It’s taken longer than necessary, or maybe this is as long as it is necessary, but I am finally free. I expect to still be on this arrhythmic seesaw for a while, and I don’t know how long that will be. But at least I am now off the crazy rollercoaster and on a much safer and more grounded ride. I recognise all of this as valid and all the past versions as works in progress. and I am okay with that.