Let’s not take Anger at Face Value
When we understand the underlying emotions, we learn so much more about the people behind the anger, and how we can better deal with them.
Anger is identified as one of the six basic emotions humans experience, according to Paul Ekman, a renowned American psychologist. (You probably would’ve known about this already if you’ve watched Disney’s Inside Out).
All of us know what anger feels like. It is less confusing than emotions such as confusion, embarrassment, guilt and the like. And yet, there are many layers that could underlie our anger, that we’ve completely missed out on because we’re so focused on the way we express it — through yelling, stomping of feet or even exerting force on someone else.
What is anger at face value?
Anger at face value is simply an expression. But we know that we don’t always feel happy when we look happy, and we don’t always look sad when we feel sad. Likewise, when we’re screaming in someone’s face, there often is a lot more going on in our heads and in our hearts.
Why is it important not to take it at face value? How could someone who’s acting angry not be angry?
It is important because anger makes people misunderstood. It masks the actual issues that should be addressed, and it distracts people from the emotions to confront.
I used to get upset whenever people lose their temper, especially if it’s at me. It is only natural to be uncomfortable with that negative, aggressive energy, but don’t just turn away from it. Instead, question their anger. Where is it coming from? What is it really about? Is it anger, or is anger showing itself in place of something else?
And this is my answer — one that has helped me understand them, deal with them, and help them understand themselves.
Anger is sometimes just a manifestation of another emotion, the output expression of complex, intertwined, suppressed emotions. It is the clear and common facade of a mess we try to make sense of.
So, what are some underlying ‘emotions’ that result in anger?
1 Anxiety
Anxiety and anger have more in common than we think. They overlap in several aspects, and the more obvious ones include feeling our heart race, quickened breathing and even shaking.
But besides that, anxiety also has a (large) component of fear. We often associate fear with timidness and quietness, but fear also can trigger a defense mechanism.
And anger is one of them.
It isn’t hard to imagine snapping at someone when they point out the things we fear the most, like when we’re in the hospital and our loved ones are undergoing treatment and someone says, “What if he doesn’t make it?”
Sometimes the words we spit at others in anger are the very words we use on ourselves when we try to shut the timid voice in our heads that worries too much. We’re so used to ruminating and trying to shut that voice up that anyone who sounds like it, who brings up emotions of fear inside us, are treated in the same harsh ways.
An additional point — people who suffer from anxiety disorders sometimes appear to be ‘angry’, ‘angsty’ or ‘irritable’. These are the very people who almost always don’t mean it when they snap at those around them. It actually hurts to know that their loved ones get upset over their anger outbursts and sometimes blame them for it or turn away, when that really is the last thing they need. I’m not asking for you to pretend the episode never happened, but I hope you forgive easily, and look into the triggers behind them. What might have made it worse? And what could prevent it? Don’t harp on it, and don’t sweep it under the rug. Talk about it — openly, truthfully, sincerely.
2 Hurt
This one would be rather common, I suppose. I’d think this is the sort of anger that arises between couples quite a bit, that often ends up in arguments (and sometimes go nowhere).
In fact, this could just be the explanation for anger over ‘the smallest things’, such as being late, or not getting your girlfriend flowers.
Oftentimes, you’d hear us say that ‘I don’t want the thing, I just want the thought’ — and we mean it. Some of us at least.
The issue with getting angry over a forgotten anniversary (often) lies in feeling hurt that something special to us hadn’t been taken to heart by another person. For some of us, we express our hurt inwards — questioning our relationships and crying over our partner’s lack of attentiveness. But most of us want change. We want this to not happen again, and this is why we punish this wrong behaviour.
Human or not, we are wired to want to do things that reward us, and to avoid things that have punished us and given us bad experiences. Hence, in the same way that parents scold children for lying, we sometimes express our hurt outwards as anger. It looks like this — Don’t you dare do this again. But sometimes, it’s actually like this — Please, don’t do this again.
And these are the moments that our partners find us petty, overbearing, hot-tempered even. They sometimes don’t realise that we were, more than anything, hurt.
When we start digging deeper into our anger and realising that it is instead hurt that’s driving these emotions, we can start thinking about less aggressive, more constructive ways to put this message across.
After all, our partner is usually more open to listening when we’re sad and hurt than when we’re angry and spewing harsh words or starting a cold war.
3 Desire for control
I think this might be the kind of anger our parents feel towards us sometimes, when we do things that make them feel like they’ve lost the parental role in our lives.
In my teenage years, I was starting to sense the sort of rebellion my peers had towards their parents. It’s pretty known (I think) that tensions in the house rise during this period because we start seeing flaws in our parents, we start wanting control of our lives, we start questioning the things they say or do, rather than just going along with them when we were younger. Conflicts would arise from misunderstandings, gaps in communication among a whole host of other issues, and this is when a lot of heated exchange of words come into play.
Some of us would feel that our parents are starting to pick on the little things we do that annoy them. Sometimes it’s staying out later than usual, other times it could be choosing to eat something different from them, or not taking part in family activities.
There’s a Chinese saying that’s translated (literally) to something like ‘your wings have hardened’. It’s used to refer to children who’ve grown up and felt that they were old and independent enough to leave the nest, just like a baby bird with strong enough wings. Most parents would use that saying in a bitter or sarcastic tone, implying that the children used to rely on them, but were now too eager to leave and be on their own.
No child would feel good to be talked to this way, given how accusatory it sounds most of the time.
But don’t be too quick to roll your eyes at them or walk out the door when you hear something along those lines. More often than not, it is not anger but the sense of losing control that is getting to their head.
You see, the fact is that our parents are growing older as we’re growing up, and while we’re reaching the peak in our lives, theirs is starting to plateau. We feel like we’re gaining control of ours, while they feel like they’re losing control of us, and perhaps of their own lives as well.
While I don’t agree that parents should take control of their children’s lives forever and expect us to be obedient and conforming without venturing out and exploring the world and looking in to build our identities, we need to try and understand where they are coming from.
Snapping at them in anger when they are doing it to us would not solve the problem. Instead, acknowledge their concerns and realise that they’re also having difficulty confronting their desires to regain control.
It is easier said than done, especially in times of elevated tension in the household.
But trust me when I say that it’d be a lot easier to forgive their actions, and a little easier to face them, when we try to see what goes behind the anger we detest.
