What does it mean to be Self-compassionate?
And how do I practise it?
Mindfulness is not an unfamiliar term to most people. It’s a concept that has gained popularity over the past decade or so, stemming from Eastern religious beliefs and values and then being explored in Western psychology.
What are some terms that come to mind when we mention Mindfulness? Some would say awareness, others would say letting go, and yet others would define it as living and being in the moment.
Well, they are all components of Mindfulness.
And one of the many constructs central to this concept is Self-compassion.
What is Self-compassion?
Self-compassion, simply put, is pretty much being kind to yourself. But that is not all there is to it. Based on Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist who has spent years looking into Self-compassion as a Mindfulness construct, it is explained in three main sections.
What needs to be clear is that Self-compassion isn’t just telling ourselves to not be sad, or simply leaving it at ‘it’s okay’. It’s about sincerely wanting to alleviate our pain and minimise our suffering, as if we were a loved one we’d do everything to protect.
- self-kindness(✔) vs self-judgment
What does it mean to be kind to ourselves, especially in times of hardship?
Think: What would I say to a friend or a loved one when they are going through tough times?
We often find that the tones we employ as we engage in conversations with ourselves are overly harsh and critical. We use words we never would use to the people we love, and yet we’re liberal with them when speaking to ourselves.
It might be awkward to address ourselves in our head, and possibly even hard to imagine possible. If that’s the case, it would be helpful to write a letter to ourselves instead. What would you have said to your best friend if s/he went through this? Pen it all down, with the rawest and most sincere words you have in you.
But, I find it hard to forgive myself for my mistakes. It makes me feel guilty for letting myself off the hook.
But my dear, what good is there in keeping yourself all tied up, beating yourself up even after you have acknowledged and understood your wrongs?
We need to realise that the burdens we carry will only slow us down in our journey forward. It is in letting go of this discomfort that we have found a sense of security and familiarity in — the blaming that we put upon ourselves to feel slightly better and yet a whole lot worse — that we can truly seek to be at peace.
It is not about sweeping our emotions under the rug. It is not about absolving ourselves from the blame. It is not about denying that we made a wrong move.
It is about seeing it as it is, letting ourselves bear the consequences — emotional and otherwise — just for a bit, and then encouraging ourselves to move on.
2. common humanity (✔) vs isolation
It is widely regarded that suffering is part of the human condition.
Pain, hardship and failures are all part of a shared condition. That is to say that as terrifying as it may feel when we experience them, we truly are not alone.
Many of us feel isolated and lonely when we deal with unfortunate, unpleasant circumstances. We feel as if nobody understands us, or that we are currently detached from the joys of the world as we immerse ourselves in our sea of emotions.
But when we realise that this is exactly what makes us human — this processing of feelings, understanding of discomfort — it feels a little bit better.
For me, at least, I found comfort in knowing that I’m not in pain because I deserve this, nor because I am less of a person, but simply because I am a person.
But, sometimes it hurts more when I realise that others are suffering more than I am. They are in more pain, and hence mine is less valid.
But my dear, this is no competition. Just because someone else has it worse off does not mean your trials and tribulations don’t count for anything. In the same line of thought, just because someone else is better off than you doesn’t mean they don’t ever deserve to feel bad, or sad.
I agree that in this world where we know of others who face greater challenges and whose situations are more dire, we truly should count our blessings for the littlest things.
But that is not to say that we should look at these blessings and think: With all of these, I have to be happy. I can’t possibly be suffering.
Instead, what would be helpful is to acknowledge — the good, the bad and everything in between.
3. mindfulness(✔) vs over-identification
As much as we are allowed (always!) to not feel our best, we should never over-identify with them.
Some of us would have heard about the difference between saying that one is depressed, vs one has depression; or that a child is autistic, vs a child has autism. To me, it is something along that train of thought. It is acknowledging that we have and are feeling a certain emotion, but that doesn’t make it part of our identity.
Mindfulness, at its core, is about observing from a distance. Close enough to see it for what it is (what is this emotion? what is this experience about?) and yet distant enough to not be sucked into the eye of the possible tornado.
It is about non-reactivity, where we watch our thoughts like we watch passing cars, without attempting to cling onto it nor turn away from it. We watch safely from a street away, as it comes, and then goes.
It is about acting with awareness, instead of engaging in coping behaviours without even understanding why. We have to understand why we do the things we do to feel better — are they helpful? are they just a distraction? and are they even healthy at all?
Mindfulness, instead of over-identification, means being conscious of the presence of these thoughts, feelings, actions… without thinking: this is all I am, I can’t let this go, I will never be able to change.
How do I practise Self-compassion?
It starts with being aware.
How am I speaking to myself?— If we don’t speak to ourselves as kindly as we speak to the people we love, we’ve got to be a little nicer, a little softer, and a little more forgiving.
How long do I usually spend ruminating over a failed attempt at something? — If we catch ourselves thinking about a failure over and over again, this is a bad sign. And it’s even worse if we find ourselves being afraid to have trust in ourselves, or finding ourselves ‘unworthy’. What we’ve got to do is realise that for every failure means an attempt, and for every attempt means hope and courage. It might not have been the best outcome, but the worst possible outcome would be losing ourselves, not that success.
How do I usually act when I’m upset? — Do I cry, or yell at someone? Do I throw things to the wall or kick my bed? Does it help? In all honesty, it is alright to vent and to release emotions. It is cathartic, and often healthier than holding it all in. The point of this isn’t necessarily to change the way we cope, but to ask why and whether it really does work. Personally, crying helps me feel better in the moment, but the swollen eyes and shortness of breath that come with it tire me out for the rest of the day, and I feel utterly lousy even after releasing that bout of sadness. I’ve since turned to writing, deep breathing, and stretching. Sometimes the tears come even in the midst of those activities, but they’re often less of a tsunami and more of a steady manageable stream.
Self-compassion definitely isn’t intuitive, but it truly is a journey worth embarking on. It is going to be uncomfortable, maybe there’d be guilt, confusion, and conflicting conversations, but when we come to realise that there are better ways to treat ourselves that would bring out the best in us, we’d find a new, stable form of comfort.
It is only fair to be kind to ourselves if we’re going to be kind to others, isn’t it?
