What I Learnt About Dealing With Children
Some takeaways as a Psychology student and a part-time trainer with young children
As a Psychology major, I’ve always been interested in human behavior and how we process our thoughts and feelings. But over the last two years of study, what really struck me the hardest was how much of children’s behavior can be shaped simply by altering the way we deal with them when faced with their obedience, disobedience, mistakes and mischief. I am not a parent and I know parenting is a lot more complex than any manual ever can guide, and that each child is unique, with different preferences, tendencies, needs and wants. But I believe these guidelines are helpful. At least, I know I would appreciate this for my future self.
1 Consistency is key
The most confusing thing for a child would be to get different responses from parents, even though they acted the same way. They might not finish their dinner one day and get away with it because Daddy and Mummy are in a good mood, and they might be told off for ‘showing attitude’ on another day for the same act, simply because their parents are being grouchy. That could make the child feel as if the parents are unpredictable, and that is a basis for future feelings of insecurity.
Another possible outcome would be that children will try to get away with things. For instance, keeping their toys. If we want the child to keep their toys all the time, we reinforce it all the time as well. Don’t pack up after them every once in a while as they dash off to shower or to watch the television. Once they realize that they can get away with it, they are more likely in future to try their luck, whether or not it will work.
Make sure that the sequence take toys — play toys — keep toys gets drilled into them. No exceptions. And of course, thank them for doing a good job keeping their belongings tidy — verbal compliments go a long way.
2 If they say No, take that option away
Sometimes, when a child refuses to do something, it helps to give them the illusion of choice, while taking away the No option. For instance, if they refuse to shower, you could ask instead, “Shower before (sibling’s name), or after?” There isn’t the option of not showering, just when.
One way would to make them choose the time of doing it, as in the shower example (go first, or go next/ last?) such that they have some sense of control over their action. Another would be to make them choose between two items, if they initially did not want any at all (such as the sides for dinner).
3. Set a timer and keep to it
This one shocked me, actually. I once played with a child who loved the trampoline, but we usually do not allow children to play on it as it’s a mini one and can only take one person. I agreed to let him get on, on the condition that he got off in 5 minutes. We made a deal.
I brought my phone to him and let him set the timer to 5 minutes, and then tap start on his own. Then, I let the timer run in front of him and told him what we were going to do after that 5 minutes. True enough, when the alarm rang, he got off and turned it off, and we were done with Trampoline Time for the day.
This can also be used for doing things they dislike. Have them set a timer for doing work and start it on their own, and once the time is up, the work is over. The condition? They do it proper in the allocated time. This could come hand-in-hand with a simple and clear to-do list or a timetable.
4 Don’t tell them what not to do, tell them exactly what to do
Instead of telling the child to stop running around, or to stop blowing bubbles at a friend, tell them clearly and firmly, ‘Sit here on the rug’ or ‘Blow into that space over there’. While children might be misbehaving intentionally, it would help to direct them to the desired behavior, rather than to add no value by telling them to ‘stop’ when they already know they should.
For even younger children, this is all the more important. Instead of yelling at them not to draw on the wall, it would be much more informative to say ‘Draw on paper’. Otherwise, it might leave them confused as to what they should have done, and they might associate the scolding with the act of drawing in itself.
5 Alternative tasks to redirect attention or energy
Rather than occupying children with Youtube all day long when they’re getting difficult to handle, other means of redirecting their attention include simple jigsaw puzzles, connect-the-dots or coloring activities. These require coordination and motor skills and can be more helpful in occupying them than just videos, or making them sit by the side and wait. For children who are a little older, giving them simple math problems might work too, or getting them to find as many words to be formed within a longer word (my mum used to make my brother and I compete on that).
6 Make the rewards and punishments clear and specific
Humans, as well as other organisms, largely behave according to the outcome we face. Rewards reinforce the behavior in future, while punishments tend to steer us away from them. As such, there is a need to reward and punish appropriately.
What is helpful would be what we know as contingency (how frequently and consistently is the act associated with the outcome) and contiguity (how closely related are the act and outcome in time and space).
High contingency is something like what was mentioned in point 1. Reward and punish consistently so children are very clear what is right and wrong, or expected and unexpected of them. If we punish the child for a behavior only once in a while and at our whims and fancy, the message would not be clearly conveyed.
High contiguity would require the reward or punishment to be given quickly. For instance, if the child had done something wrong at home, address it immediately rather than wait it out until the other parent is home, which could be hours later. If the wait is too long, the punishment that comes after might be associated with later acts, which is not the point at all. In that sense, it also helps to address playing of food at the dinner table, or the tidying of their bed in their bedroom itself. Pointing to the actual item while addressing it — especially for young children — can be very useful.
Having spent more than a year working with children, including those of whom are on the Spectrum, I’ve come to find these guides rather helpful and useful. They may not be equally successful on all children or all ages, but the younger they are, the easier it is to shape their behavior.
